how much he means.

i woke up this morning with a missed call from him. 1:25 am. & i had beat myself up because i had just fallen asleep not too long before that. i needed his voice in my ear again desperately. i fell back asleep disappointed.

just yesterday i sat down and thought about ever losing him. heartless is what i'd be. & in more than just Kanye's perspective. more than just acting harshly towards ever trying to find love again, but more-so accepting that my heart had been stolen forever. of course thats extremely hypothetical. 

today in class. 7th period. chemistry. my friend asked our teacher, who was sitting at our lab table at the time, how her and her boyfriend were doing and she replied "great" ;). my friend then asked her what was her longest relationship and my teacher replied "5 years". surprisingly, we found out that she had started dating this one guy in her sophomore year of high school and had been with him for 5 years. however, he cheated on her and she forgave him! and they continued to date, when suddenly she broke up with him. why? because she liked someone else. i suddenly turned and looked at one of my other friends who was also in on the conversation, "omg, tom, i don't want that to happen. like, she was w/ that guy for that long and then poof. she didn't plan that. imean, i dont want to lose ronny that way, if any way at all!. but do you know what i mean? i'd be heart-broken knowing i dedicated that much time into us you know. that boy means so much to me. i'd loose my mind i think. seriously." .

tom starred in my eyes, studying me in awe. and simply said, "oh my god cierra, you're really in love". not jokingly, laughing or anything but just said it.

i thought about it not that much at first of course until realization really hit me. i am. in love that is. my love for him grows stronger every moment God decides to allow me to take my next breath. and i cringe at even thinking about losing Ron at any moment in my life. our disagreements only make us stronger, and i only react to them to see how he handles my emotions. sometimes as much as i know he may hate to, he handles them like a hero. he has not yet realize how much i care for him. how much he means. i wish everyday i could look beyond his eyes and see what's beyond them. his touch is sensually the most easing and humble feeling i've ever felt. his mind, intelligent, knowledgeable and intellectually inclined to all that is offered to it and is admired and extremely adored by me.

to be his companion and try my best to be not beyond or behind but directly beside him in everything that he strives to do is what i strive to be. for this young man is my dream and my gift, my precious angel sent from heaven. i love him forever and we are each others until it is destined no more. 

daily.

daily i would wake up, anticipating that i would make the day ahead of me the best that it can be. with no frustration, arguments or aggrevation. instead everthing that was tempted to be avoided wasn't and was added to the list of routines. wake up, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, eat, leave, become frustrated. not a great day huh?, && then, this one day, everything changed. i stepped nout of the norm and found my rescuer. and he redeemed my infatuation. i'm his treasure he says. his gold. and this is a routine that i'd like to last for a long time .

UNCIVILIZED .

although i've often heard before that "black people cant keep anything", i always wanted to disregard the statement each time i heard it. but now, i can honestly say that i partially agree with this somewhat bias opinion. what makes me think this? here's my description: Oct. 24th, 2008. This was the date that one of my best friend's and i decided to have our sweet sixteens together, at a lovely bar & grille/banquet hall by the name of 947. now, 947's banquet hall was simply used for Wedding Receptions and Sweet Sixteens, Family Reunion Dinners, Formals, anything you would call an"EVENT". great for us, it was right up our alley. a bit pricey, but it was great quality and beautiful inside and it was in our neighborhood, however, no one seemed to really know about it. luckily our mothers purchased the hall for a night, 9-1:30. our "Sweet & Stylish" sweet 16 invitations were handed out and like we had planned, all 200 & something teens attended our "EVENT". it went great. The next weekend afterwards one of our close friends had her sweet 16 there as well, which was fine since it was a special"EVENT". Unfortunately, her party got ended early because of a fight. Soon after, the word had spread that there was now a new party spot, and very conveniently close by. Now, you'd just have kids renting out this place with spur of the moment parties, just to have them. These parties would turn into jumping grounds for fights. Mr. Mike, the owner, was surely beginning to become uncomfortable renting out his place of business to these untamable Young Adults. but hey, we're in a freakin recession, everybody needs money! soon it was just becoming to much, every friday and sat was now being rented out for parties, students at school were even referring to the restaurant as "Club" 947!, ridiculous. So guess what, no longer will it be rented out for those purposes, and the name of the bar & grille is now changed, to guess what............. "The Irish Pub". haha . damn shame, minorities take what is nice and CIVILIZED and once again, it has been taken over for the worse. let's do better aye !

Mistaken For Love.

more than just a face with make-up and a girl with attitude at times. open but never will my feelings be walked over, again. does it hurt you to know that i don't care about some things, but do about most? that i continuously tell myself that i can be better than i am. maybe that's wrong. have you realized that i haven't written a proper sentence since i started writting this passage, and that i really dont give a fxck. was that foul? i have meaning to life and i want YOU to know that. i want you, as in any and everyone, to realize that i demand to be considered capable of being charasmatic and achieving and gorgeous and stunning and striking and mistaken and revealed and hidden and foolish and lovestruck, okay maybe not that last one. because, at the end of the day, whether everyone tends to believe it or not, there is a downfall with everything. that is why i wanted you to realize my faults, flaws and greatness. i feel there is only a simple few people or fewer that want the same things as i and i wont beat around the bush. this is simply put for my feelings on nothing less but, that four letter word that some people desperately wished they never learned. my guard has continuouly been let down and i really can't tell you why i have done so. i want a talk-to-buddy, a friend, a "i can tell you this cause i know you'll keep it secret or crack the fxck up when i tell you" hun. call me up, or sit right next to me, && lets just talk about nothing insignificant but something that means atleast something to us. is it wrong that we lead ourselves in the wrong direction more than half of the times that we select someone. i have more protection over myself. i stand strong, and better. i am my self nothing else. a young lady who really doesnt need a "him" to make her understand that she's not impeccable but doesn't mind being told that she is in his eyes every once in a while. i'm now shortening my horizons. no longer can i be mistaken for love.